The 10 Types of Runners

I found this on Active.com and thought it was very accurate and funny (describes so many people I see out at races....
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The 10 Types of Runners

By Roman Mica Everyman Triathlon

Recently I ran Florida's Oldest Marathon---The Space Coast Marathon.
Actually I ran the half marathon and in proper collegiate fashion my training consisted of only cramming for the race. I basically ran about six to eight miles everyday for a week before the race.

I bet you didn't know that you can cram for a half marathon?

Well you can't. The results were predictable and I finished in 2:04 (plus some change) which happens to be about 15 minutes over my PR half marathon time at altitude. And last time I checked, Florida's Space Coast (Think Cocoa Beach from the old TV show I Dream of Jeanne) is only about a half a foot above sea level.

So by cramming I somehow manged to turn my Boulder altitude advantage to a PW (Personal Worst).

Needless to say I had plenty of time while running to contemplate the lovely Florida Space Coast, the trees, the homes, the weather, the road, the Banana River running next to the race course, and of course my fellow runners.

So without further explanation here are the 10 types of runners.

Which one are you, and which one am I?

1) The Frightened Dog Swatter

For some unknown reason the frightened dog swatter usually happens to be a woman who runs as if she were under deadly attack by a hell bent pack of tiny snarling Paris Hilton purse dogs. She flails here legs up and out in a matter and technique designed to swat the little bastard before they can nip and/or sink their tiny teeth into her manicured toenails.

She thrust her heels up, out and around with such vicious ferocity that running anywhere within a five foot diameter of her can be deadly to small dogs, squirrels, alligators, vermin, small livestock and of course other petite runners.

I believe I've read that the Kenyans and Ethiopians teach their top international runners strategical avoidance classes specifically designed to avoid the frightened dog swatter.

2) The Human Cybertron

I can only assume that the Human Cybertron was once a living and breathing person (either male or female) that at some point in their life due to a horrible tragedy well beyond my comprehension must have had their crucial organs replaced by beeping, buzzing, tweaking, ring tone playing and occasionally clanging cybertronics.

To say this runner is a wired machine would do injustice to the amount of wires sporting forth from the typical networked PC.

Typically the Human Cybertron runs with every possible electronic aid known to man sprouting from every orifice in their sweaty body. I'm amazed that they can even ponder so much data, with so much entertainment plugged into their ears on such a short run. I mean how much distance, speed, altitude, pace, heart rate, calorie, trajectory, target zone, sweat rate, and MP3 data can a person process in a few short hours?

Obviously much more than the Kenyan runner who won the half marathon in 1:05 can process since he did it without any electronic aid outside of a stop watch.

3) The Loud Runner

Every-so-often I would jump out of my skin during the race and duck behind the nearest tree or bush in a futile attempt to avoid the elephant stampede I was sure was just a few feet behind me. The Loud Runner is normally a man somewhere between middle age and golden age who's decided that his run will shake the very ground he runs upon.

This man must be a titan of industry because his only goal on the run is to subjugate the very road to his enormous will, and he will do so by pounding it into submission with every step he takes.

In order to do this he must spring straight into the air like a started cat and pounce on the earth with every ounce of his weight leaving nothing behind but enormous running shoe prints in the crushed and subjected pavement.

4) The Desalination Machine

I am most amazed by the Desalination Machine who usually tends to be a woman somewhere between middle age and golden age who has in her lifetime somehow developed the "believe it or not" ability to not sweat. In fact not only does she not sweat, but she's so put together with full make-up and hair that often after the race she'll jump into a cocktail dress and waiting limo to attend this or that red carpet event.

To her 13.1 miles or even 26.2 miles of running in the 100 percent humidity of a typical Florida day is nothing to get sweaty about. She can carry on a conversation about her favorite charity or NGO while most of us would be hitting the wall and still have that mysterious clean summer lilac breeze scent waft from every pore of her skin.

5) The Salination Machine

Unlike the desalination machine, this slightly portly gentleman started sweating at the pre-race pasta dinner. By the time the race cannon sounds he's already lost 5 pounds of water weight and created enough salt for the Osmond family Thanksgiving dinner.
Runners beware! If he decides to shake it up a little, you'll know what's it is like to be next to a very salty, very big, and very wet shaggy dog.

The oddest thing about the desalination machine is that you'll rarely, if ever, see him drink anything during the race.

At aide stations he shuns both water and sports drinks like an alcoholic after a long, painful, and intense 10 step meeting. Yet somehow he manages to sweat like Britney Spears at a Baptist breakfast prayer meeting after an all night pantyless party...even well after he crosses the finish line.

6) The High Five Twister

For some unknown reason to me, the High Five Twister is usually a cute and youngish female runner who looks like she wants to high five every other runner that passes her. Typically her elbows are at about (let's call it ear level) and she twists her body 180 degrees with every step she takes.

Honestly, it hurts just to watch the High Five Twister run. But not her. Even though she contorts her spine into the begins of a DNA double helix strand, you'd never know it by the huge smile on her face.

So yes, while her twisting body rotation and her high elbows create little micro tornadoes along the course, her winning smile and happy attitude says, "I'd win this race if it were only measured by the distance traveled from side to side, instead of straight ahead."

7) The Stink Bomber

Sometimes the pre-race morning meal does not agree with the body in motion. I'm sure in the heat of battle we've all squeezed out a little "poot". But not the Stink Bomber. This guy started farting at the age of one has has since gone to graduate school in the fine art of flatulance.
He's a running toxic obstacle to be avoided at all cost. But the problem is that on the typical crowded marathon course you don't know who he is until it is way too late. By the time you are even aware of the danger, you have been skunked and often you can't even tell who "did it."
Even when you can tell who "did it", you are too focused on trying to just cross the finish line.
Beware: The Stink Bomber is well aware of this fact and he'll use it to spread even more stink bombs along the entire course.

8) The NBA Pro

Every-so-often a runner is born, and at a tragic and early age his brain gets frazzled, usually by a direct hit to head from a misguided basketball, into making him believe that he is in fact not a runner, but an NBA Pro.

Fortunately, these guys, and sometimes even gals, are easy to spot by their uniforms. They tend to favor wearing the full NBA gear over their running gear. Because of this early and tragic childhood accident, they always wear the long basketball shorts over their running shorts.
This is indeed very sad to observe as the basketball shorts hang way down. They hang so far down that they cover their knees, making running a marathon an especially daunting and painful endeavor.

However, on several occasions, like this recent race which was an out and back run along the same road, I have seen a miraculous confluence of events that can only bring pure joy to one's heart.

You see on that rare occasion that the NBA pro passes the High Five Twister, both are in their most natural of elements as one high fives the other in a spectacular show of lucky coincidence.

9) Doctor 90210

Doctor 90210 is almost always a women of that certain age (read well above 30) who has the slender hips of a 15-year-old (I suspect from all of that running) but the enhanced big boobs of a Hollywood Starlet wanna-be.

She is usually observed wearing only a sports bra/top with not much else hiding her helium filled boobs. I can only guess that she asked her plastic surgeon to fill them to the brim with 400 cc of helium as her boobs defy gravity, the up and down motion of running, and even time itself.

When one observes closely it can almost be imaged that her buoyant bosoms, and not her, are running the race. They and not (let's say her legs) are the pride and joy of her well worked over body and she wants the entire world to know.

After all she paid almost $10,100 to run this race ($100 for the race entry fee and $5000 per boob).

10) The Gazelle and the Sloth

These two animals are almost never seen together in the wild, but you'll see them at every marathon, in every city of the world. Somehow they strangely compliment each other. They are the yin and yang of the running world.

The Gazelle boldly bounds straight up into the air with every springy step. Image Micheal Jordon on cocaine, steroids and with a bee in his shorts.

The Sloth shuffles along lifting his or her feet about an ant's toenail length above the ground.
BTW: Do ants even have toenails?

Anyway, the Sloth manages to use just enough energy to slide his or her leg forward to make forward progress.

And here's where the most incredible miracle of all marathons takes place. Some call it divine intervention and see God's wry sense of humor, while others point to the shadow of Darwin and millennium of evolution at play.

But this does not take away in the slightest from the Miracle of the Marathon: as both the Gazelle and the Sloth cross the finish line in the exact same time.

Roman Mica is a amateur Clydesdale triathlete who lives and races in Boulder, Colorado and has his own website; www.EverymanTri.com. He is also one of the founding members of www.raceAthlete.com. He has a book published, entitled My Training Begins Tomorrow: The Everyman's Guide to IRONFIT Swimming, Cycling & Running.